were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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