what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
