I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
