Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
