She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
