No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
