my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
