Someone shit on the floor
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
