Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
