i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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