my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
