Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
