He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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