So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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