Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
