I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
