I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
