I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
