i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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