I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
