Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
