I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
