Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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