meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
