did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
