I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I faked an abortion last night.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
