If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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