"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
