So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
do nipples grow back?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
