She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
