Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
