Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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