Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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