I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
