I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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