There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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