you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
