So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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