My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
