it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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