I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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