one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
