I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
