Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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