phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
