On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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