I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
