So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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