I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
