I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
