just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
