my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
