the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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