the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
