is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
