I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
