while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
