i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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